By Dr. Tracy Kemble

I always say that “Love is the final destination of our healing journey.” I believe this because if the one thing that has hurt you most, is something that, with proper healing, you can learn to believe in again, that my friend, is healing!

So what is this thing called love, and what are the rules that make it work, or not work?

To begin, for the record, when it comes to authentic love, feelings such as fear, insecurity, rejection, abuse, anger, abandonment or harm are not love. These feelings and emotions describe abuse, neglect or dysfunction. To love someone and to fear them does not equal love. It equals pain and confusion.

With that said, the best description of love, I believe is found in the book of Corinthians. It describes authentic love as “ patient; kind; not envious or boastful; not arrogant or rude. Authentic love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

So, how does this translate to real life? Authentic love looks and sounds like this:

Love is patient. In other words, it does not have a short fuse about the little things. Authentic love is accepting of you, faults and all.

Love is kind: In other words, the words used toward you are gentle. There is no name calling, or insults. Certainly, there is no sarcasm (which by the ways, means a cutting of the flesh). The actions of love are even kinder. There is never any physical harm, or physical or emotional abandonment.

Love is not envious: In other words, it is not jealous of your time, space, promotions or growth. Authentic love never leaves you ‘wanting’ or leaves you feeling overly needy. Instead authentic love finds happiness with what they have.

Love is not boastful: Authentic love does not talk about your private life, publicly without consent (i.e., sex). Love does not "trophy-girl" nor does authentic love think the most interesting conversation is themselves. Instead, authentic love understands that behind each human is a person with feelings, emotions and privacy.

Love is not arrogant: In other words, it does not have a "me first" attitude, which means love does not put their life or their needs, holidays, financial security or position first and discount yours. Love does not compare “their” way against your way. Nor does it say things like, “I made all the money, you just raised the kids.” Authentic love rather, thinks of the other partner and puts them first. Authentic love has an attitude of “you first and me second.” When two people operate with this spirit, everyone always comes out on top.

Love does not insist on its own way: In other words, authentic love gives you a voice and a vote. The regulations of the relationship are determined by a committee of two, not a dictatorship of one.

Love is not irritable or resentful: In other words, authentic love does not bring up the past. When an issue has been discussed, it is resolved and forgotten.

Love does not rejoice in a wrongdoing: In other words, it does not lecture or punish with pride. Authentic love instead allows for mistakes and “being human.”

Love rejoices in truth: In other words, love does not question your reality, or lie about their reality. Love speaks the truth in finances. Love speaks the truth about their life. Love speaks the truth about you, rather than create false fears, harsh judgments or false insecurities. Love can also hear the truth. It can hear about its faults and areas of improvement.

Love bears all things: In other words, it does not expect perfection. Authentic love is accepting that not all things come in the package they demand. Therefore, authentic love is not judgmental or overly strict.

Love believes all things: In other words, love does not interrogate or drill you. Authentic love takes you at your truth-telling word and believes in your character.

Love endures all things: In other words, authentic love will not abandon easily, especially when things do not go their way. Love instead looks for a new life-giving way of creating path that is fair, safe and empowering for all parties.

In 2008, my hope for all in our program is that you will all take one step closer to the destination of healthy love. And as I like to say, “I fully believe in love. I believe that love is the final destination on the healing journey. My goal however, is to make sure that we can learn to love without going crazy!”